[i will be sharing my testimony tonight at new life's summer church, and the following is what the Lord placed on my heart to share. may it bless you as much as writing out and claiming these truths has blessed me.]
i can hardly believe
just recently, i blogged about feeling like i've been thrown into a
marathon unwillingly, and i hate running. but i've watched as so many friends
have become pregnant and been blessed with precious babies over the past year
or so, and although i have wanted to be a mom for as long as i can remember, my
heart has ached in a new, fresh way since i was robbed of being levi's mom here
on this earth. and although i am thrilled for all my friends, my heart has
ached as i have longed to be able to reach those milestones with levi that my
friends have with their little ones, rejoicing, as they should, over sitting
up, eating solid foods, smiling, laughing, and just being the precious babies
each of those children are.
but last week, as i thought about the six-month milestone that we wouldn't be celebrating with levi on
this side of heaven, i felt the Lord press upon my heart to celebrate a
different milestone, to celebrate what HE has
done in our lives over the past half-year, for the Lord's hand and presence have
been seen and felt as never before, and he is worthy of all glory and honour in
our lives.
1) God is with us through every. single. trial. we. face. i
remember just as strongly today as i did on that horrible night at the hospital
as we received confirmation that levi's heart had stopped beating, how God so
very gently whispered to me, "it's not over." and reminded me of the
song by israel houghton with the same name with which i had encouraged other
friends over the past year. i climbed off the examination table and sat down
with suppe and said, "i know that this is going to sound crazy, but the
Lord just whispered and said that it's not over, and we need to listen to that
song. i don't know if that means that levi is going to miraculously come to
life again or if God just wants to reassure us that he's in this journey with
us and that levi's story isn't over. so we listened and wept and prayed with an
urgency we'd never known. and we worshipped. we worshipped our God who is good
and faithful and loving even in death. and although i knew this truth before,
it was indelibly imprinted on my heart in this moment. and i am so thankful.
God didn't have to whisper those words, that reminder to me, but he met me in
the pit and blessed me.
2) tragedies make us more aware of, dependent on, and sensitive to
God. i'll never forget suppe crawling into the hospital bed beside me
after levi's cold little body had been removed from our room and our family had
left us to get some sleep. as we held one another tightly and wept softly, he
whispered through the tears that he hadn't felt so close to God in a very long
time, if ever. and i looked at him and smiled and nodded. and it's true.
starting with adam and eve and going through the whole biblical story, we see
how the people of God walked away from him time and again because they thought
they could do life on their own and that they didn't need God. and as easy as
it is for us to shake our heads and judge the israelites in their sinfulness,
pride, and utter stupidity, we are, in fact, just like them. from early
childhood, we want to do things on our own and prove ourselves. but the truth
is that we can't. we are nothing without God, but with him, through Jesus'
blood spilled out for us on the Cross, we are the righteousness of God (2 Cor
5.21). and sadly, we often need hiccups, upsets, or even tragedies to be
reminded that we can't do life alone; we need Jesus. and lying in that hospital
bed, suppe and i both felt that we needed Jesus just to breathe, just to make
it through one more second of one more day. and in his grace, the Lord is
always there, thrilled that we realise our need for him, longing for us to be
sensitive to his presence and work in our lives, and hoping that we will not,
as peace and happiness eventually return, leave him by the wayside and forget
our depravity and helplessness apart from him.
3) we don't have to know why. of course i asked God 1,000
questions when we learned that levi's precious heart had suddenly stopped
beating. why him? why us? why now? i still don’t know why, and i may not until
i get to heaven. as humans, we long for and feel that we need answers when
things don't turn out the way we want them to or when life comes crashing down
around us. and we long to know that what we're going through is going to be
worth the pain in the end. but the truth is that God owes us nothing. he
doesn't owe us answers or blessings or even life. EVERYTHING we receive from
him is a gift, and only in his great grace may we one day receive a glimpse
into the why, a glimpse into his perspective. every glimpse he chooses to give
us is a blessing.
4) there is no substitute for learning the Word of God and writing
it on your heart. on saturday morning just two weeks after levi's
death, i awoke with a longing for death and heaven like i have never known. as
suppe was still sleeping, i got up and went into levi's old room that my mom
had wisely suggested we turn into a prayer room, laid down and wept and cried
out to God to take my life, that i could no longer bear the pain. i laid there
for over an hour, weeping uncontrollably. but during that time, i experienced
something that i have never before experienced in my walk with God: simultaneously
as i cried out to die, cried out for God to end the pain, i heard countless
Bible verses that i have learned over the years on repeat in my head. worship
songs proclaiming the truth of God and the steadfastness of his character
played on repeat like a broken record. and in a brief moment of clarity, i was
overwhelmed by the truth that the Lord will indeed NEVER leave us or forsake
us, not when we scream at him or pound our fists on the ground. we are his
children, and he loves us with a love so deep that not even parents who love
their children can ever fully grasp. so as every emotion in me cried out to
die, the Lord, as only he can do, whispered his truths, his Word, in my heart
and head. and i have never been more thankful for the passion God has given me
to learn and memorise his Word, that as hebrews 4.12 reminds us, "the Word
of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing
to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning
the thoughts and intentions of the heart." in that moment of darkness,
the Word of God did just what it promises, as it pierced through the division
of my soul and spirit and discerned that the true intention of my heart was not
to die but to somehow meet God through the tragedy and bring him glory.
5) knowing God and walking with him through times of peace enable
us to walk with him through the fire. i didn't really think about this
truth until my good friend jill brought it up to me when we talked just a few
weeks after levi died. she reminded me that i have walked with God in times of
peace, when life has gone "as it should." and in those times of daily
life, i have learned his character. i have learned that the Word of God is very
true and that God never ever reneges on his promises. he is good even when it
doesn't feel like it to us. he never leaves my side even when i feel alone. he
hurts when i hurt. he loves me with an everlasting love. and he. is. faithful.
always. when we learn who God is on the good, easy days of
life, we learn to trust him when sky falls and the earth quakes around us. and
when it seems like he has abandoned or forgotten us, we can lay aside our
feelings and speak out what we, deep down, know to be true. we can walk in
faith knowing that HE. is. faithful.
and he is so very good.
6) family has nothing to do with blood and everything to do with
Jesus. just like many of you, i moved to sweden without any family or
friends. and although i am incredibly thankful that my mom and step-dad were
able to fly over from the states to be with us for two weeks when levi died,
being away from my whole family was difficult. but what we found to be truly
incredible was the way our friends, especially our friends in new life and in
my church back home, united with us in support, love, and oh so much prayer. from
the second we found out that levi had gone to heaven and sent an sms to kjell,
john and a few others, the messages of prayer, love, support, and encouragement
started pouring in...and they didn't stop for months. never in my life have we
felt so covered in and carried by the intercession and love of the family of
God. in what has been, without a doubt, the darkest time of our lives, the
light of God has shown through people like you, his hands, his feet...through
gifts of time, food, hugs, prayers, and listening ears. the body of Christ is
beautiful, and one of the incredible things about Jesus is that when we ask him
to take over our lives as Lord and Saviour, we not only gain a friend and King
in him and receive forgiveness of our sins forever, we gain membership and
belonging into the most amazing family in the world. thank you to each of you
for being part of that family and for tangibly loving us with Christ's love.
and in closing, i read the following verses as part of our church's read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year plan this morning, and my heart was blessed. each and every word is true. <3
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open...Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life. James 1:2-8, 12, The Message
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