söndag 25 maj 2014

mother's day

it's mother's day here in sweden. a few weeks ago, i started thinking about how hard today would be, much harder than american mother's day, which, for me, came and went on facebook, where i was showered with love and sweet messages of hope and encouragement from dear friends. 

but during these past few weeks, as i've semi-dreaded this day, i've also been thinking a lot about where i'd like to be (cuddling my little levi right now) and where i am. i've thought about church and not wanting to be there on mother's day because, as i have heard from so many women, it can be an awkward and painful place to be on mother's day--you can check out a beautifully written article on that here. and after being asked by my precious husband how i'd like to spend the day, i've thought about how i can honour levi's memory and carry on his legacy on this special and yet heartbreaking day, but all the ideas i'd read about online seemed inappropriate for me. everyone's story is different, you know.

throughout my childhood, and even today, my amazing mom has always given me a present (or three) on mother's day to thank me for being her daughter, saying that she wouldn't be a mom if it wasn't for me. and i used to think it was a bit silly, but now i totally get it. and more than any celebration of me {although i love the flowers and sweet gifts i've already received, like some printed photos of my sweet baby and my pregnancy <3}, i have wanted to do something to help other moms around the world, but i haven't known exactly what to do. i've wanted to get the focus off me because it's so much easier to be thankful, to see the blessings in our lives, and not to focus on our own burdens and heartaches, when we turn to others in need and love on them the way we want to be loved.

and then i saw a link to unicef in my facebook feed, where, among other options, you can by a "start package" for seven moms. and in case you can't read swedish, the text says: 

in many lands, it's difficult for new moms to give their children the safety and start in life they desire. with this package, you're giving seven moms a chance to give their babies a safer start to life. the package includes: 7 mosquito nets, 14 measles vaccines, 21 polio vaccines, and 14 tetanus shots.

and when i thought of all those precious women who may never get to see their babies grow up just because they can't get basic medical care that so many of us take for granted, my heart hurt, and i knew that my own sweet baby would be really happy to know that his legacy is about life, about hope, love, and second chances. it's about finding a way to give to others when you've been so generously given to yourself. that's what my little boy has taught me in his short life, and i am grateful. i want to always be a mamma who honours him and somehow points others to Jesus because i know that because of Jesus' gift of life for me, i will dance and sing and play with my baby one beautiful, eternal day in heaven. and oh how i long for it!

if you're hurting today because you've lost your little one or because your dreams haven't been fulfilled or life hasn't turned out like you thought it should or even because people, even well-meaning Christians, have caused you to experience shame because you're not a mom and don't want to be, you're not alone. ever.  none of you are. you are beautiful and loved and treasured because you are daughters (or sons!) of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and he loves you with an everlasting love, the love of a father and a mother and so much more. there is hope, even when the sun goes down.

happy mother's day, sweet levi. i love you forever <3.


fredag 9 maj 2014

grace in blessings

the subject of this blog has been simmering in my mind for days, but finding the time and energy to write, especially when your head's over the toilet thanks to a stomach virus, is not always easy. but i digress.

we were incredibly blessed by a generous gift from a lovely family that enabled us to take a trip over to the gorgeous english countryside to visit them this past weekend. it was exactly what my spirit and body needed. we hadn't travelled anywhere since october, and i hadn't been anywhere that wasn't filled with painful memories of my pregnancy or life without levi until this past weekend, and i am so thankful that we were able to make that journey. our friends we visited know all too well the pain of losing someone you love, and they have grieved well, and God has graciously blessed them. others blessed them in their time of need, and they have passed it on and continue to do so and only ask of those they bless to continue to pass on the blessing. it's a beautiful thing.

what's not beautiful is when well-meaning people, normally (and sadly) Christians, give generously from their hearts and then allow those same hearts to judge the receivers of their gifts. i've seen it all too many times and heard it come up in numerous discussions with fellow missionaries over the years who are afraid to getaway for a weekend or to buy something they need for their home because they're worried that some of their supporters will think they have spent their money unwisely. i've experienced it, too. and we're experiencing it now. it hurts my heart.

the sad truth is that we often give a gift in order to bless someone and then want to control or judge how that gift is used. and in doing so, we end up turning the blessing into a burden. i haven't yet posted pictures on facebook of beautiful suffolk, england that brought fresh air to my soul because i'm afraid that some of the amazing people who have so generously blessed us financially since levi's death will think that we're wasting money. and just writing that hurts my spirit. first of all, because i've never really worried what people think about me, and secondly because i know deep in my heart that the people who have blessed us have done it out of the goodness of their own hearts. but somewhere along the way, the blessing does become a burden when we don't freely give.

when God gave us his one and only Son Jesus to die for us on the cross, he did it freely, not with lots of attachments. he didn't ever say that he's provide Jesus as a propitiation for our sins if we did ______ or ________. and if we look all the way back into the old testament, the LORD says in deuteronomy 15:
“If among you, one of your brothers should become poor, in any of your towns within your land that the Lord your God is giving you, you shall not harden your heart or shut your hand against your poor brother, but you shall open your hand to him and lend him sufficient for his need, whatever it may be. Take care lest there be an unworthy thought in your heart and you say, ‘The seventh year, the year of release is near,’ and your eye look grudgingly on your poor brother, and you give him nothing, and he cry to the Lord against you, and you be guilty of sin. 10 You shall give to him freely, and your heart shall not be grudging when you give to him, because for this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in all that you undertake. 11 For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land.’ (ESV, bold text added.)

if we examine verse 10, we see two key elements: when we give freely and bless others, we're blessed in return, giving us the corollary that when we don't give freely, we're not blessed in return. similar verses can even be found in proverbs 11.24-25: 24 One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. 25 Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered. (ESV)

and oh, how well i know these things to be true! because so many of you have so freely given to and blessed andreas and me, we have been able to bless others, and it's truly beautiful and humbling to see the body of Christ at work like that. but as soon as our giving, whenever or however it's done, comes with strings attached, the blessing becomes a burden, and the giving is no longer a gift.

there are homeless people all over stockholm, and i have to walk by them on a daily basis. there's a constant discussion going on in the media about how to treat them, who's truly homeless and who's not, who's working for a pimp, or who's just endured a really horrible season of life. but i'm most likely never going to know most of their stories or whether or not any money i give them will be used to buy liquor, food or clothes. so what do i do? i pray. i pray everytime i see these broken down and battered souls. i pray that the Holy Spirit will speak to me when he wants me to bless one of them in some way or another...and he does. one time, the Holy Spirit clearly spoke to me and told me to give 100 kronor (about $13) to a homeless lady sitting across from me on the tube. i argued back and forth with him (in my head, of course; i'm not THAT crazy ;)) that i did not have any cash in my wallet, much less 100 kronor. after 30 odd seconds of this annoying conversation, i opened my wallet to prove to God that it was empty, when, lo and behold, there was a 100 kronor note. i laughed aloud, smiled, and shook my head. funny, God, funny. the woman started to get up and exit the tube, so i chased after her to give her the money. she smiled at me and said that she'd been wondering where she was going to get her next meal to eat. my heart broke for her, so i invited her up the hill with me to New Life Church and said that she could have fika (coffee & a cinnamon bun) for free :)! she didn't come with me, but she was very thankful and went on her way. did she use that money to buy booze or food? i'll never know, but i do know that i was obedient to the Lord and that that's all that matters. what she did with that money is between her and God. it no longer belonged to me.

i have quite a few similar stories in my life, and i know that my mom does as well. she raised me to love and give freely, and for that, i am so very grateful. i just believe that when we give, especially when the Lord places it on our hearts to do so, we have to do it freely. otherwise, the gift is robbed of its goodness and purity. i have to trust that God knows the person in need's needs better than i do. i have to trust that the person i want to bless who loves Jesus but who is struggling and needs my help is going to do the right thing with the blessing i give to him or her. i may not understand why he or she spends the money i've given him or her or may even think that i would have most certainly spent the money more wisely or differently, but it's honestly none of my business. maybe a cone of ice cream and a good cup of coffee could take her to her happy place, while, from the outside looking in, i think she'd have been much smarter to buy some milk and cereal. but the gift was hers, not mine.

some of the money we've received over the past few months has been used to pay bills and other expenses that have come because of levi's death and because i haven't been able to work as i should/need to. but some of it has gone to eating a nice dinner in town because we need to feel normal once in awhile. i've even used a little to buy myself a few dresses to help me feel pretty again, to help cover up to baby weight i so deperately want to be rid of because i don't have a beautiful baby to show off to the world. we've even used some of it to help others we know and love who are going through difficult times. please know, though, that we pray about how to use all the gifts we've been given wisely, and that we want to be a blessing to others because we have been blessed. in our pain, in our sadness, we have been blessed. andreas and i wouldn't be where we are today without the love, prayers, support, encouragement, and gifts that so many of you have graciously and freely bestowed upon us. you have carried us when we have been unable to carry ourselves, and we are eternally grateful. 

when you give, let go. give freely and with a large helping of grace, and leave the rest in God's hands. he knows so much better than we do who needs to be blessed and why. he is good. omniscient. omnipotent. faithful. loving. gracious. he freely gave us Jesus.