hopes & dreams

i think that the worst thing about losing levi has been the loss of all the unspoken hopes and dreams we had for him and for our life as a family. when you lose a friend or family member, you lose what was, but when you lose a baby, you lose what might have been, and i think that all of our dreams that died with levi have also been magnified because he was our first child.

i know that grief has looked and manifested itself quite differently for suppe and me, and that's natural. the whole idea of becoming a dad is still quite new for him, and i don't know that most dads ever really grasp the whole fatherhood concept until the baby actually arrives. but for me, levi's mamma, i haven't only lost my precious baby, i've lost all the hopes and dreams that have accompanied my longing to be a mom.

anyone who knows me knows that i've been a mother in some form or another almost my whole life. i was a mommy to my dolls from the age of two, and anytime friends and i played house on the school playground, i always took the roll of mom, and it felt so natural. even in high school and university, many of my friends, especially the guys, jokingly called me mom. and then when i moved to sweden as a missionary, my first job here was as a nanny caring for three kids (nine months and two- and six-years-old). and i loved it!

as i prayed over my longing for a husband and a family, i prayed that God would take away those desires until the time was right. and then one bright, sunny morning in 2010 as i was on my way to work--i was a café manager at the time--i remember very clearly walking by a mom struggling with her three unhappy children. and in a split second, God took away my longing to be a mom...and it was so freeing!!

then suppe and i married in october 2011, and although we discussed starting a family, the desire wasn't there in either of us. we continued to talk about it occassionally, and then in april 2013, we both felt that the Lord had placed a desire for children in both our hearts. and the first time we tried to get pregnant that month, the Lord began to form little levi in my womb and began to number his days, although we had no idea they'd be cut so short ("For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb...Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139.13,16)

since then, i've known a whole new kind of love, and that longing to be a mom, to be levi's mom grew and grew in my heart. i longed to see him smile, to hear him laugh and even cry, to take him on long walks in the forest, to feed and cuddle him, and to see him take his first steps and develop his own personality. 

but instead, there was no crying when he was born, only deafening silence. and right now, as i grieve, i'm trying to cope with not only the loss of my baby but also the loss of all the dreams i had for his life and for being his mamma. 

i know that i am still and will always be levi's mommy and that he will always be my first baby, but my heart breaks for the life we'll never have or know together. 

i know that there will be more children; God has promised us that, but there will never be another levi gideon surell, and that truth has left a hole so large in my heart that i don't know how it can ever be filled again. 

but it will be. God will fill it, and he will heal me. he already is. and he is faithful, oh so very faithful. i keep hearing the bridge to chris tomlin's song "sovereign" in my head:

all my hopes, all i need, held in your hands

all my life, all of me, held in your hands

all my fears, all my dreams, held in your hands

and those words are true; i claim them. i know that God is not only sovereign but that he is also loving and good ("Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love." Psalm 62.11-12a). i have experienced both of these aspects of the Lord and know them to be true.

and as hard as it is to comprehend, the hopes and dreams that my Father God has for me (and for ALL believers!!) are much greater than my (our) own! and his promise to the israelites who were sent into babylonian exile is also a promise to us: 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile. Jeremiah 29.11-14

my "exile" is nothing like what the israelites endured, but we serve the same God, YHWH, the God of hope and restoration, who is able to heal the holes in our hearts, to give us new hopes and dreams, and to bless us with joy that nothing in this world can steal from us. "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16.11

fullness of joy. i'm choosing to walk into that promise today. and for each of you reading these words, this is my prayer for you (and me) today:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15.13