my little levi

it's so common before your baby is born to wonder things about him. who's he going to look more like? who's personality will he have? what will be his favourite toy, favourite food? many of those things we will never know about our little boy, but some things we do know because he lived and breathed and was a part of us for nine months. 

i know that his hair was viking red like his pappa's beard. he was the same length as me when i was born, and his hands, feet, and nose we so much like his pappa's. we'll never know whose eyes he had, but he totally had my lips!

i know that he loved vinegar and sourdough bread like his mamma but that he hated coffee. we're still trying to figure out which relative that came from! he was not a fan of jerk chicken, barley, couscous, or bulgar, or cucumbers, either, and for those i have no explanation. he was a night owl, too, although we tried to discourage such behaviour! :)

i know that he would have kept us busy playing sports, although suppe and i are in disagreement over which type of football that might have been ;). he loved to kick, not just for a few minutes at a time but for HOURS on end. he loved to hear me sing to him, and he loved his pappa's voice most of all. 

every evening (and even most mornings) when suppe placed his mouth close to my belly and said, "hej levi! det är pappa här. ska du sparka lite för mig?" (hey levi! it's daddy here. are you gonna kick a little for me?) and levi would kick and kick...except for thursday, 16 january 2014. that evening there were no kicks, only stillness...

oh precious levi, how we longed to get to know you, to hear you laugh and sing and even cry, to watch you grow into a michevious little boy and even a great man of God!! but there is some comfort in knowing that you'll never know hunger or the pain of a scraped knee. nor the anger of someone taking what was yours. you'll never know fear or loneliness, and a tear will never run down your cheek. 

instead, you will know joy that we can only long to experience. you will walk and dance and play on streets of gold and laugh uncontrollably. you will sing new, perfect songs to the Lord that you'll teach us one day. you will live eternally with the most amazing Pappa in the world and you will be loved and held and cuddled so much better than we ever could...

but it doesn't stop me from longing to hold you, to blow on your boo boos and wipe away your tears, to tickle you until you squeal for me to stop. 

and i'm pretty sure that i'll never stop longing for those things, but i do believe that the ache will lessen over time. but until then, i'll keep borrowing your little hercules and cuddling with him. i'm pretty sure that neither he nor you mind too much :).

but know, my precious child, that we'll always love you and always miss you and that no other child will ever take your place. your brothers and sisters will hear all about their big brother levi, and they, too, will long to be with you in heaven one day. 

until then, we'll keep sharing your story and thanking God that he let us have the privilege of being your mamma and pappa. 

and as another pappa (robert munsch) wrote who lost two precious babies at birth

"i'll love you forever, i'll like you for always. as long as i'm living, my baby you'll be." 

your mamma