flowers, cake, balloons, games, and chinese :: reflections on levi's 6th birthday

this day definitely didn't start out feeling like levi's or anyone else's birthday. no, it began with washing four loads of josiah's puked on bed linens--stomach viruses are the WORST--followed by our typical saturday family breakfast of banana oat pancakes (where we sang "happy birthday," of course). thank you, Jesus, that the vomit was a one-offer and that no one else got sick and that josiah was himself again by mid-morning!!

in the afternoon, we headed to levi's grave, and josiah reminded me to take a yellow flower to put on it, a tulip this year. he's very thoughtful like that. all the way there, tirsa talked about how we'd eat cake when we got home--she talks a LOT--and that levi should get the first and biggest piece. cue tears. i fetched them early from preschool yesterday so that we could go to the shop together to pick out a cake. after examining some very fancy ones at a bakery and the supermarket, we decided on a schwarzwald cake (the swedish version that's unlike the rest of the world's that's layered with cherries and cherry jam (so gross)) from the freezer section --not exactly the "special" cake i had in mind--because it consisted of whipped cream, meringue and chocolate flakes, and what kid doesn't like that?? my kids get their logical thinking skills from their mother.

so we visited the grave and explained as pedagogically as possible on a preschool level how levi's ashes were there but not his spirit or new body (yep, already lost the preschoolers there), which are in heaven with Jesus having the most amazing birthday party ever (preschoolers' attention returns!). but standing there suddenly felt empty; levi wasn't there. i rounded off by explaining that graves are really for the people who have lost loved ones so that they have a special place to visit and remember them. tirsa was satisfied and ready to skip along after that, but josiah wanted to know more grave details and to whom all the other ash gravestones belonged.

my kids are so incredibly different, seriously night and day from one another. so on days like this one and other random days during the year, i often wonder who levi would have been, what his personality would have been like, which parent he would have resembled most. would he constantly be singing and bubbling with energy and joy like tirsa or quiet, fierce, sensitive, and contemplative like his little brother? oh how my heart aches to know...

but those thoughts were interrupted when we found baby elsa's gravestone just one row over and one column down from levi's. she was born about the same time and died just four months later. and close to it we found a gravestone belonging to baby emil who was also stillborn a few months after levi. and while my heart ached for those parents, i also rejoiced, thinking that elsa and emil were most certainly celebrating levi today at a party in heaven so much greater than anything we could ever imagine or attempt to replicate here on earth. so that made me cry happy tears. all theology aside, my mamma's heart is warmed thinking that my big 6 year-old has made some amazing little friends his age in heaven. it's not a biblically accurate thought, but the image it conjures up in my head is a truly precious one.

after running a few errands, we made an impromptu stop at our favourite authentic southern chinese restaurant to celebrate levi. and celebrate we did. the very un-swedish, chinese owner was our personal server, and we were able to tell her all about levi and God's incredible grace and goodness. she gave us drinks and appetisers on the house and gave special attention to josiah and tirsa, even giving them several lollies before we left. it was a special, intimate birthday dinner that felt just right.

we came home and blew up yellow balloons--mamma, levi should get the biggest balloon! said tirsa--and set the table for cake. we sang happy birthday again, blew out more candles, rang mori, and sliced a piece of cake for levi. it was a sweet celebration that ended with a family game of "the lost diamond/the star of africa" (den försvunna diamanten) that i'm sure levi would have won had he been with us.

i had no idea what kind of day today would be. with each passing year levi spends in heaven, our other two kiddos are growing and learning here on earth. they understand more and more about life and death and joy and sorrow, and it's honestly really beautiful to see how levi's short life has already affected theirs so intimately and how it will continue to do so. i look forward to see how these birthday celebrations will develop and change over the years as well as to how the Lord will grow us closer to him and to one another because of Levi. God has done GREAT and MIGHTY things!

happy 6th birthday in heaven, my sweet boy! you are such an incredible treasure to us here on earth, most of all because thoughts of you always send us to feet of Jesus in awe and praise, with a raw awareness of how very much we need him. thank you for that priceless gift! we love you always, mamma, pappa, josiah, and tirsa grace

this day.

I was already eight days overdue, so this day, one year ago, started like those before it had, but by the time it ended, my world had been turned upside down, and you were gone.

This past year has looked absolutely nothing like I thought it would. Many more hours and days of it were spent in tears than any other year of my life. But many, many more days were spent overwhelmed by the sheer presence of Christ and the beauty of his hands and feet at work in and through his body.

You were greatly anticipated, longed for, and loved years before you were born. I dreamt dreams and had visions and hopes of all you would do and accomplish and be. And on that day, this day, one year ago, those dreams died.

But with the death of those dreams, with your ashes, arose beauty, hope, love, and even joy, like I had never before witnessed. Your pappa and I were instantly enveloped in the largest blanket of love and prayer, prayer that carried us through the darkest days and love that constantly reminded us of God’s great love for us, even in death. One of my favourite verses in the Bible says that “weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30.5b). And it did. Even in the darkness, the Lord came to us with whispers of hope, whispers of healing, whispers of love. Josiah. God heals.

And just days short of your first birthday, your precious little brother arrived, full of spunk, warmth, and hilarious facial expressions, bringing with him love, joy, and the healing that God had promised when you left us far too soon.

The testimony of God’s great grace, love, healing, and hope has spread around the world and continues to do so as we hear of countless strangers, friends and loved ones who have carried us in prayer and prayed for the health and life of your little brother, Josiah Gideon. Because of you, people have learned that God IS in the storm, that his love IS never-ending and full of healing power, and that he ALWAYS keeps his promises. Joy DOES come in the morning.

This is your legacy, Levi Gideon, a legacy that your little brother has already begun to carry in your memory and honour. We promise that he will grow up knowing all about his big brother, and he, like you, will be a warrior (meaning of Gideon) for the Kingdom of God, fighting on behalf of God’s people, that they may know of his life and his love.