milestones and fleeting moments

i am exhausted. i feel like i haven't slept in ages. but i am exhausted because of a feeding frenzy my sweet little josiah has been on. i am exhausted because "God heals" is alive and well and growing.at this time last year, on 18 june, i was exhausted because we had just buried precious levi's ashes five months after his little heart stopped beating. oh how the Lord has brought us full circle during this past year, a year of anniversaries and milestones. "Jesus, in your name we rise. the glory is yours."*

i'm sure that some of you consider the almost daily photos i/we post of josiah to be excessive, and maybe they are, but for me, each new day i get to spend with josiah is a reminder of every moment i missed with levi, a reminder that life is beautiful and short and full of fleeting moments. and i don't want to miss a thing. there's that, and there's the fact that so very many of you have said that you feel that, in some way, josiah is partly your baby, too. you've walked this hard journey with us, interceding before the throne of God and being his hands, feet, and minds when our own weren't working, so in some ways, josiah is your kid, too! :)

every day, every. single. day, i thank Jesus for his healing, for new life, for this life, for this precious little boy, and for the opportunity to be his mamma and to have been levi's mamma.

on more days than not i see levi's face in josiah's and wonder how he would have been as a boy. and i am constantly asked by well-meaning people if he is my first child. that answer is never easy and is normally followed by "my first on earth. i have one son named levi in heaven."

'cause in case you didn't know, this mamma thing is hard. it's messy. it's beautiful and more rewarding than anything i've ever done. and i am blessed, oh so very blessed. Jesus has been good to me, being levi and josiah's mamma is perhaps the greatest honour the Lord has bestowed upon me. and looking back over this past year, i can, with great confidence, say that God. is. good. 

*from my friend carl cartee's song "glory is yours," our anthem during josiah's delivery ️

this day.

I was already eight days overdue, so this day, one year ago, started like those before it had, but by the time it ended, my world had been turned upside down, and you were gone.

This past year has looked absolutely nothing like I thought it would. Many more hours and days of it were spent in tears than any other year of my life. But many, many more days were spent overwhelmed by the sheer presence of Christ and the beauty of his hands and feet at work in and through his body.

You were greatly anticipated, longed for, and loved years before you were born. I dreamt dreams and had visions and hopes of all you would do and accomplish and be. And on that day, this day, one year ago, those dreams died.

But with the death of those dreams, with your ashes, arose beauty, hope, love, and even joy, like I had never before witnessed. Your pappa and I were instantly enveloped in the largest blanket of love and prayer, prayer that carried us through the darkest days and love that constantly reminded us of God’s great love for us, even in death. One of my favourite verses in the Bible says that “weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30.5b). And it did. Even in the darkness, the Lord came to us with whispers of hope, whispers of healing, whispers of love. Josiah. God heals.

And just days short of your first birthday, your precious little brother arrived, full of spunk, warmth, and hilarious facial expressions, bringing with him love, joy, and the healing that God had promised when you left us far too soon.

The testimony of God’s great grace, love, healing, and hope has spread around the world and continues to do so as we hear of countless strangers, friends and loved ones who have carried us in prayer and prayed for the health and life of your little brother, Josiah Gideon. Because of you, people have learned that God IS in the storm, that his love IS never-ending and full of healing power, and that he ALWAYS keeps his promises. Joy DOES come in the morning.

This is your legacy, Levi Gideon, a legacy that your little brother has already begun to carry in your memory and honour. We promise that he will grow up knowing all about his big brother, and he, like you, will be a warrior (meaning of Gideon) for the Kingdom of God, fighting on behalf of God’s people, that they may know of his life and his love. 

a letter to my sweet josiah

you're already so much like your big brother. in fact, i mistakenly say his name on occasion when talking to you. i'm pretty sure, though, that you don't mind and that you're honoured to be mistaken for him at times <3. 

yesterday, i showed a friend levi's picture when she asked what he looked like, and as i described his viking red hair, the spitting image of his pappa's beard, i began to wonder about you and if your hair will be the same colour. i sure hope so. 

you began with just a whisper from the Lord. "josiah." "God heals." could it be? could God send us another longed-for son? did we dare hope? did we dare trust and believe that the Lord could and would heal us? there was no other choice. we longed for healing, for hope, for you, and we still do. 

showing my friend levi's photo made me think about photos we've taken thus far of your journey. your pappa and i were so diligent about taking belly pics before levi's arrival, and we've honestly attemped to be while you're in utero, but we haven't been so good about doing so. almost everytime your pappa's asked to take a belly pic, i'm either in PJs or in need of a shower or both...and those aren't the kind of pics i've wanted to take to remember you during this time. and then suddenly, a few days and even weeks have gone by before we remember that we still haven't taken a picture...and then the timing is still bad. so here we are, smack dab in the middle of week 30, and we've taken TWO belly pics. TWO. i don't even know that we've taken so many photos out with friends other than the amazing photo shoot we had with your aunt stephanie back in september, and it breaks my heart...so much so that i cried a good while over it last night. i can't get those weeks and missed belly shots back. i don't want to be the kind of mamma who makes silly excuses like i have and ends up missing out on making beautiful memories. 

and i certainly don't ever want to miss out on making any memories with you. at the same time, i don't want to live life with regrets and what i could and should have done. your sweet pappa reminded me of that last night when we prayed over you and over these wretched thoughts and regrets that come up, i don't want to compare our lives to others'. your story, your big brother's story, they're ours and no one else's. we may have not taken as many photos thus far as we'd have liked to, but the legacy your big brother levi has left for you to follow in is a beautiful one. there aren't many babies who make it in the national Christian swedish newspaper before birth, but you did! 

and, i don't sing to you as much as i think about doing or wish i did, either, but you're killing my lung capacity, big boy! i know, though, that you know my voice and your pappa's, that you've been singing and dancing along with us in worship at church and at home, and that you will surely be gifted in music, too! oh how we can't wait to sing and dance, play instruments, and praise the Lord with you!!

...and we will before long! in just two short months, it'll be time for you to make your grand entry into the world, and we can't wait! there are so many people, so very, very many people who have prayed for your journey thus far, prayed blessings and shared prophesies of how you, our sweet child, will be a blessing to many. "God heals." yes, indeed he does. he's amazing in his grace, his plan, his work in our lives, and we are so thankful that you, little brother to precious levi, who has already stolen our hearts, are part of God's great plan.

we love you so.

your mamma & pappa